Other Side, The
Guerrilla soldier and arms dealers argue about new weapons in a telephone conference, the Kapts, hostage discussion, strontium-90 song, nightclub MC monologue: living forever, etc; alternative power sources, a list of sound effects against a woman humming, energy producing candy bars, nuclear power, energy throughout history, a man describes a city "on the other side", the benefits of mutation, telephone chat line recording, everything is true.
Transcript of the Nightclub Emcee's Monologue
I want to thank you all, you've been a wonderful audience, God bless you! You should all live forever so you can see your childhood sweetheart turn into a wizened hag and descend into the grave while you, in the flower of your youth, remain unchanged by the ravages of time! Civilizations will rise and fall and you'll still be able to wear that blue blazer you bought in '48! But living forever, ladies and gentlemen, might pose a problem, because it will be possible to grow tired of living and scared of dying so that Old Man River just keeps rolling along! You and me, we sweat and strain, get a little drunk, and this morning at the clinic my doctor told me my body won't tolerate it anymore! I need more bulk, and he wants a spoon sample by noon! But I send the boys to college, you want to see my clippings?
Every time I sit down to dinner I see death on the table in front of me, and every time I go back to my old neighborhood, something has changed--a corner grocery store has become a donut shop, a small book store is now a taco stand, a church has been converted into a health club, blow that bubble out of your lips, it looks disgusting!
And so I want to thank all of you for coming out here tonight, you've been a wonderful audience, God bless you, I love you all! And let's have a round of applause for Billy Sparks and the band, and I want to thank my agent Murray Belkin! You may remember Murray, he was a great star of the vaudeville stage with Ernie and His Wrestling Mamba Snakes! Murray works out of a Rexall's drugstore now, on Broadway and 49th, out of the phone booth there, he's, uh, kind of moved into it, he has a couple of shirts hung up to dry and a small Rolodex!
And he told me the other day, he said, "I could have opened Frankie Valli at Harrah's in '56!" And I said, "Well that's great, but what about me?" And he said, "You know what I see when I look at you?" And I said, "What do you see?" And he said, "I see a broken light for every light on Broadway. I see a new dawn for skin softening agents. I see an all-girl marching tuba band. I see the destruction of semi-can. I see the face in the crowd, the missing link, the man who never was! I see the long gray line. I see a smartly-dressed young man from the five towns--is it Laurelton? Possibly! I see the man with no eyes and his date, Annie! I see the softball team from Lucky Lady Outcall Service--glad you could come tonight! I see great hands smashing a small light. I see William Tell go through nine of his children before splitting the apple! I see fine European craftsmanship. I see six rooms, river view--I see DC! I see easy aces! I see water! I see deucey! I see Lucy! I-C-B-M!"
Good night ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank all of you again from the bottom of my heart, God bless you and drive safely! You know, a lot of folks are killed on the highways at night, so be careful, will you please, for my sake? I want to see you again! And remember, that two are better than one. That once a cripple climbed up on a blind man's back so that together, they might make a journey that neither could make alone! Unfortunately, the cripple weighed three hundred pounds and broke the blind man's back, and they spent the rest of their lives in a ditch at the edge of the road, arguing about the meaning of what had happened to them!
So before I say good night I want to thank you all again, I want to thank the band, I want to thank the waitresses, I want to thank the management, and of course I want to thank my personal secretary Mitchell. Thank you Mitch, for putting up with me! You know, after the show, Mitch and I like to relax by playing Ping-Pong! And did you know that Ping-Pong was invented years ago by the Druids? They used to play it with eyeballs and bare hands!
Let me leave you with this one last thought: there are guiltless criminals, and guilty accusers, solid bowling balls with no thumbholes, a thousand telephones that don't ring, and no security! The greatest armadas are sunk, Maginot lines are outflanked, the Trojan Horse is waiting! Actually, you know the horse was invented in China, in roughly 1200 BC, and it was originally made from a hind of hair, a piece of bone, and a walking, talking honeycomb!
- This program shares material with Across the River.
- On June 18, 2006, this program was selected as the inaugural show to kick off the Joe Frank Podcast.
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